I Have a Confession to Make.

It’s been 4 years of hip pain due to a torn labrum.

19 months since my Dysplasia diagnosis.

It’s been 8 months since my surgery to correct it.

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. And it’s a struggle.

It doesn’t feel good.

None of my clothes fit.

I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror.

And then I hear: you might have less pain if you weighed less.

I might weigh less if I had less pain!

Three years ago, I was my skinniest, at 168 pounds.

People, friends, asked me if I was ok.

Was I drifting into an eating disorder?

Was I sick?

I was spending a ton of time doing cardio and my diet was incredibly restricted.

It all started because I wanted to see if I could get abs. So the guy I dated at the time, whom I trusted because he was another personal trainer, told me what he thought I should do. Told me exactly what to do. Exactly what to eat. This went on for months, actually. All summer long.

But here’s the thing, I lost as much muscle as I did fat so while I dropped a ton of weight, my abs never “popped.”

I can’t exactly remember what my motivation was. And that makes it even worse.

Why was I putting that kind of demand and restriction on myself?

Why was I letting someone else tell me what to do???

At one point, this guy actually told me:

I think you need your clients to stay accountable.

What the hell, dude.

I think the answer can be found in accepting that I was still, underneath it all, motivated by how I looked.

I looked in the mirror and saw the girl who still weighed at least 185.

That’s right. I never knew how skinny I had become until I saw a photo of myself from my 2013 birthday.

I didn’t see it in the mirror. I literally had to look at myself through the lens of someone else in order to see the truth.

All the work I was doing (too damn much cardio) and the way I was eating…. (BARELY enough) was yielding an image i didn't want: skinny and weak.

If you couldn’t guess, the relationship was emotionally abusive. I lose my appetite when I’m depressed...

And all that cardio, aggravated my hips more than ANYTHING else I did. Yet, I kept doing it because I still had this deep seeded obsession with -smaller.-

Breaking up with the aforementioned wanker, finding a therapist, and falling in love with a new boy, changed my life in a lot of positive ways.

But by the end of 2013, I gained back everything that I had spent the previous 4 YEARS working to eliminate.

I couldn’t justify the pain anymore so I stopped the cardio. My metabolism was so damaged, it couldn’t handle going back to eating the way I used to (like a freaking college boy - that was the LIFE).

All of that compounded and now I’m over 210 with 40% body fat.

And it hurts because I want to be the example for all of you who are so frustrated by the diets and the fads and you can’t figure out why the weight comes back.

I know exactly why mine came back.

It came back for the same reason yours does.

An unsustainable lifestyle that does more damage than healing.

And now my body, my hips, are basically standing in between me and the body I want and deserve.

So please, to my existing clients and the clients I have yet to meet:

I’m doing my best to be inspiring.

To take my own advice.

To treat my body with love so it can heal instead of punishing it for not cooperating.